It just happened, I was in my bed, in the dark, alone, trying to sleep. As it happens to all kids, I was afraid of the dark, but the nightlight was even scarier, It had the form of an elefant, it was yellow, a yellow elefant shining in the dark, a creepy thing, so I didn´t want the elefant. I was in the dark, fighting my fears, the monsters that were around trying to bite my feet, and all of a sudden, the attack came from the inside.
What I felt was a bigger than life fear. I think I had a panic attack when I understood what a long time after that, or I should say before, but I read years later, Camus has defined as one of the absurds of life, which is, we simply die.
But the fact is I was a child, I had no idea of who Camus had been or writen, although I have to say, once I got the chance to read him, I had this feeling of identity. As crazy as it might seem, I sensed I met an equal. But that was long after that night and, again, I was, like all kids are, unaware of so many things, that I couldn´t fight that feeling with rational or even irrational arguments. I felt helpless.
I don´t recall much of that night, but I do remember the feeling, the awful and permanent sensation of being helpless, and of knewing by instinct I would say, that there was no way out, no solution. We die, it´s a fact.
So I kept that moster inside of me, while I felt his attacks on my flesh for a long time, or maybe it wasn´t that long, but when we´re small, the time seems to last forever.
And I remember my second encounter with death.
We lived in a house with a huge yard, or I thought it was huge, I don´t know. One day, while I was playing outside, I found a dead gecko. A curious thing about childhood, at least mine, is that I didn´t fear animals of any kind. I guess it´s a natural thing, atavic to our species, and even to others, to experience in order to learn. Anyway, Geckos are quite cute, and wonderful creatures that can climb walls. I used to catch them by the tail, and the funny part was to witness one of the wonders of nature: geckos can get dettached from their tails, and escape predators. Most of the time.
The one I found couldn´t escape. I felt sorry for it. Ants were attacking his body, trying to get pieces of its flesh. I got a shoe box and put the dead body inside. I wanted to dig a hole in the yard, but all I had was a small plastic shovel, and the soil was so hard... I did my best to bury the box, but the hole was not that deep. So, on the next day, I went back to the spot of the burial, and realized my effort was in vain. The ants were there, finding their way inside the box, inside its body. So I tried to cover the box with plastic. It didn´t work as well. Death cannot be defeated.
One night, my father found me crying in despair, alone, looking for a way out, knowing already that I wouldn´t find any. He asked me what was wrong, but I couldn´t tell, I just couldn´t. He wouldn´t understand, that´s what I thought. So I lied and said I dind´t want to grow up. I remember my parents trying to convince me everything was fine. I tried very hard to believe. But I knew that was a temporary thing. Death cannot be defeated.
But the fact is I was a child, I had no idea of who Camus had been or writen, although I have to say, once I got the chance to read him, I had this feeling of identity. As crazy as it might seem, I sensed I met an equal. But that was long after that night and, again, I was, like all kids are, unaware of so many things, that I couldn´t fight that feeling with rational or even irrational arguments. I felt helpless.
I don´t recall much of that night, but I do remember the feeling, the awful and permanent sensation of being helpless, and of knewing by instinct I would say, that there was no way out, no solution. We die, it´s a fact.
So I kept that moster inside of me, while I felt his attacks on my flesh for a long time, or maybe it wasn´t that long, but when we´re small, the time seems to last forever.
And I remember my second encounter with death.
We lived in a house with a huge yard, or I thought it was huge, I don´t know. One day, while I was playing outside, I found a dead gecko. A curious thing about childhood, at least mine, is that I didn´t fear animals of any kind. I guess it´s a natural thing, atavic to our species, and even to others, to experience in order to learn. Anyway, Geckos are quite cute, and wonderful creatures that can climb walls. I used to catch them by the tail, and the funny part was to witness one of the wonders of nature: geckos can get dettached from their tails, and escape predators. Most of the time.
The one I found couldn´t escape. I felt sorry for it. Ants were attacking his body, trying to get pieces of its flesh. I got a shoe box and put the dead body inside. I wanted to dig a hole in the yard, but all I had was a small plastic shovel, and the soil was so hard... I did my best to bury the box, but the hole was not that deep. So, on the next day, I went back to the spot of the burial, and realized my effort was in vain. The ants were there, finding their way inside the box, inside its body. So I tried to cover the box with plastic. It didn´t work as well. Death cannot be defeated.
One night, my father found me crying in despair, alone, looking for a way out, knowing already that I wouldn´t find any. He asked me what was wrong, but I couldn´t tell, I just couldn´t. He wouldn´t understand, that´s what I thought. So I lied and said I dind´t want to grow up. I remember my parents trying to convince me everything was fine. I tried very hard to believe. But I knew that was a temporary thing. Death cannot be defeated.
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