9/2/15

When I reached 5 ft, 6.9 in

I spent almost my whole life with the feeling I was too small, too short, as if I had taken one of the potions or eaten one of the sides of the mushroom that were so conveniently available in the world of Alice. But I would always have the share that would make people shrink.


Growing up takes time, it takes years, and I guess it is like that because we need to get to know the surface and limits of our bodies. It´s funny, but, as I was reading a book, and this happens a lot to me, I find in a book something that I was thinking about, And I love this, the wonders of coincidence! Anyway, as I was going through Monsieur Test, by Paul Valèry, I came up with this:
"During our childhood, we get to know ourselves slowly, by discovering the space occupied of our bodies, by expressing its singularities through a series of physical efforts".
We get to conquer the height we reach inch by inch, by exerting great efforts to overcome limits of the physical world around us. Existing and thriving requires lots of stamina: By falling, we learn the principle of gravity. By pushing our limits, we learn the principle of inertia.
I don´t know if I wasn´t able to test and discover the limits of my body to its fullest extent as I was growing up, so I was always unable to feel I was 5 ft, 6.9.
Few days ago, it all changed. All of a sudden, I felt 5 ft, 6.9 in for the first time. As if my innerself had finally taken the entire area of my body, not a small part of it. I was fully 5 feet, 6.9 inches tall.
It took me 44 years to grow up.

6/21/15

short note

A fraud, that´s how I felt for many years.
I wans´t sure of what to do about it. It was a hard feeling to deal with, a permanent discomfort, something as  wearing somebody elses´clothes. Or worse: somebody elses´shoes, too tight or too large.
For many years in my life, I tried to find ways out of this. Of letting to be a fraud and become me, or something that felt more truly me or that it felt more like the true me.
The problem with this life we live is there´s always some sort or level of expectation we´re supose to reach or achieve somehow. We´re supose to fit a certain pattern that is usually too tight: the perfect family, the dream job, the dream house, so on and so forth. 
And I guess this some is an impressive number of people that spend their lives fighting against this discomfort.
"Why did I write? Because I found life unsatisfactory", said Tenesse Williams, and I´ve heard and read similar sentences from different types of artists. I am not sure if every artist is always someone whose not satisfied with his/her life. I would dare to say so.
Once I understood life wasn´t satisfactory, that I had to find my way to deal with the dissatisfaction I had inside, I begun to change. It hasn´t been easier, though, but I could find my way to my own satisfaction. 
Now, I´m no longer  a fraud. I´m something else, somehting I still cannot grasp, but that doesn´t matter to me. As long as I don´t feel like a fraud, I´m all right.        

4/3/15

Seing things for the first time

I saw a very nice video the other day; a three year old girl is standing at a train station. Her father is filming her during their short wait. She´s overloaded with joy and excitement. Her entire face glows. She laughs and giggles,she cannot help to let her tiny arms go up and down. She opens and closes her hands many times, and then, her father tells her the train is coming... The train is coming! A real one, a powerful and huge machine, not a small plastic toy. She cannot find words to describe what she feels, she´s only three, her vocabulary is still incipient so as her life experiences. But the joy she feels! It might sound corny, but it made me think of the wonderful piece of music composed by the great Beethoven, his Ode to Joy. To me, this symphony is the close one can get, not to the idea of God, not in the religious sense, but to the feeling of divinity, to the realization of the miracle of being alive, seeing things, experiencing tastes, sounds, feeling one´s heart beating fast with exhilaration, what a wonderful word.
I was so touched because I realized that I´ve lost almost all this hability of seeing things for the first time. By thinking about it, my main excuse was that I have lived. Not for too long, but I kind of thought the things I could see for the first time were already few, which is a stupid argument, I know it well. Everytime we open our eyes to a new day, there are things we´re seeing for the first time. 
So I tried. And, as I was stuck in trafic, I looked up, to the bright sky and paid attention to a pack of clouds, and I was amazed, truly amazed with the extreme beauty right there, over my head, a live spectacle, since clouds are being constantly changed by the winds. 
I thought I should have taken a picture but I gave up, because, if I did stop to pick the cellphone, I would miss that instant. I don´t need a picture. The image is already engraved on my memory, as I believe the image of the her first train is in the mind of that little three year old girl.



    

2/18/15

The fortune at the bottom of coffee cups: a short story

* This is a short story I wrote for my first book. I tried to translated it to English. Here it is.


The Fortune at the bottom of the coffee cups



Jumping, running, pretending and climbing. The adult males were all together, pretending to be serious after the Sunday meal, digesting and discussing serious subjects comfortably seated in chairs around the porch, while the adult females served coffee and desserts. Joanna killed two big chickens for the supper. The chickens were alive and noisy just before their necks were broken. Right after that, inanimate objects, almost as if they were pillows. Large, quiet feather pillows resting in the morning sun.  Having  witnessed  the occurrence of death, felt me with disgust.  I couldn´t eat the roasted chicken. I feared I would swallow death, or that I would end up the killing, tearing up the meat fibers with my milk teeth. I had mashed potatoes with those round and green things… peas!  And there were also roasted pork, huge, its skin turned into a crispy surface, its open mouth holding an apple, its eyes turned into hard pieces of charcoal. And then, the desserts. My mother´s delicious pudding, creams, cakes and fruits in syrup: peaches, plums and sanguine oranges. The garden´s lawn was deep green; the sun was always there, over our heads. Don´t stay in the sun after eating, my mother yelled at me, I can see her by the porch, her hands around her mouth. It was winter, my uncle took a nap at the hammock, my grandfather smoked his old pipe, I do remember. Women served desserts and coffee. My grandfather looked so old! He read the future in the coffee powder that rested in the bottom of coffee cups. “Where is he, my grandpa?” Dead; I can see him inside his casket, old and wasted, but, no, he is alive, reading people´s fortune in the coffee powder that rested at the bottom of coffee cups.  Once, he told me: you going to live many, many years.   “How many years, grandpa?” “Many, many years. Many more than I would live”. So I asked if live many years was a good or a bad thing. He laughed, showing his ugly teeth.   It´s so bright today, isn´t it? It´s the sun, always there, over our heads.  Grandma Henrietta was older than grandpa. She had a mouth with no teeth in it, her tongue danced around as it could sense something her eyes couldn´t as lizards do. The difference was she had legs she couldn´t use, and a blanket covering their uselessness. And there was Cousin Joachim, such an evil creature. He used to kill birds with a slingshot, targeting the most beautiful ones because he was so ugly and he hated being condemned to a live standing in his both feet, unable to fly. He knew, he knew that even though he could climb the tallest trees and pretend to be a bird, he would end up as all the other humans; we belong to earth, to the soil we have under our feet. Life is made of some ups and some downs, most downs, mainly once we reach the old age, and then there is the moment we end up under the soil we once have under our feet. He would kill the birds in revenge. But, this Sunday sunny afternoon, there was no trace of death and the old ones were my grandpa and grandma Henrietta with her legs covered with a sad blanket.
Cousin Joachim, I hated him, but I also admired his ability to never miss one single shot. I would beg him not to, beg him to spare the little sparrow, but he wouldn´t listen, he never listened, and the result was I had a dying bird in the palm of my hand and wanted to cry and wanted to kill my cousin for having killed. My hand would tremble, my body would crumble, as it does tremble and crumbles today. He also killed ants and snails with the help of a magnifier. The sun light and the sun heat would be magnified by the lens and the ants and snails would burst in flames, what an awful death.
He challenged me saying I would never climb the old guava tree. I said I would, so we made a deal. If I didn´t, he would have my collection of stamps. If I did, I would have his collection of butterfly wings.
I was scared, but would never have him have my collection of stamps, a present from my daddy.  I thought about my dad and a dull pain pierced my chest. My dad, where is he? A salesman making a living from selling things around the country far, far away from us, from everything. When he returns, it´s like he had never left. He always brings us presents. For me, stamps and adventures books, for Lao, a knife or a magnifier, the one that Joachim later used to kill the ants, for Leah, a nice ribbon for her light brown hair, for my mother, a nice piece of cloth, a perfume. My mother, where is she? I do remember a ceremony at the church, a closed casket with someone inside.  I was so scared.
“Cut it now, stop crying. Don´t you see? It was meant for him to die”.  I recall my father´s voice and the image of his long legs in front of me. Why, I asked. “That´s life. He gave his life so we could have what to eat, that´s why we raise animals. Tomorrow is Easter”. A bunny or a lamb? A lamb. So tiny, so fragile… I was responsible for caring and giving him food. But now, the lamb is dead, my father killed my lamb. “No, dad, no!” I yelled at him, I hated him. He killed my lamb, and I yelled at him, I called him murder, and then I run away from him, away from the sight of the butchered lamb. I climbed the highest tree of my aunt´s garden and I stayed there, I would have stayed there forever, but I came down because she begged me to, or because I was tired and needed to go home. When I got home, my mother wanted me to tell me father I was sorry, but I wasn´t, so I wouldn´t. She hit me hard, five times. But I didn´t say I was sorry because I wasn´t.  I remember my father´s eyes at me. He was sad, I was furious. The next day, it was Easter. I was grounded and didn´t have lunch. And then, my father travelled. I didn’t say goodbye, I couldn´t forgive him. After he left, I almost felt happy with his absence, but time passed and passed, and he wouldn´t come back.  I started to wish he would come back.
“It´s about time to get inside, dad”. 
Dad? The sun light is so bright I can´t hardly see.  Daddy ´s back! But my legs hurt, I can´t move them. Joachim and I, we were there, high up there at the highest branches of the guava tree . And I fell. My legs hurt so badly, I couldn´t move. My dad came to rescue me, took me in his arms and then to the doctor who lived nearby. Don´t you worry, son, everything´s going to be all right, he said to me, looking into my eyes with his good old eyes. His hair has grown gray, so gray. Dad, I am sorry, I didn´t know, I was mad at you, I am sorry, can you forgive me, daddy?  My legs hurt, I cannot move. The lamb, the roasted pork, the snails and the ants. You going to live many, many years, the coffee powder at the bottom of the coffee cups.
 No, I don´t want to! I want my dad, my dad is with me right now, taking care of my broken legs. I feel the pain, I feel I cannot control my legs, my life. Where is my life? Where are my brother and sister, my cousin, and grandfather, my mother and my father?
 Father?
 “Ok, daddy, that´s enough. Relax now. Let´s go inside. You´ve got to rest a little”.
My grandfather used to read people´s fortune by looking at the coffee powder at the bottom of coffee cups. Once he told me: you´re going to live many, many years.
“How many, grandpa?”
 “Many more than I would live”. 
       
        

11/23/14

Signs

My oldest daughter is starting to show the first signs of puberty. It is time. If I think about my life, I can remember I was about her age when I realized I was growing old, I was becoming an adult. Up to that point, I guess I only thought I was growing up, getting taller without actually thinking my height meant something else than being able to look my mother straight into her eyes.
She is still my girl, a sweet child who loves to play with her favorite toys, but, little by little, she´s changing, she´s being changed by the passage of time. In a question of months, she will be bloming into a beautiful young woman. 
In a very short period of time, she will be looking at me straight into my eyes, as an equal.  
I just hope I will be wise enough in helping her in making some sense of what it means to be a woman.            

9/23/14

September 22

On a September 22, my grandfather was born, a hundred and fourteen years ago. He ceased to exist long before that date, although he lived longer than he had probably expected: ninety six years. He outlived his wife, my grandmother, with whom he had a turbulent  marriage, in almost ten years. On the last three years of his life, he wasn´t able to recognize none of us. When he saw his son, my father, he tought he was seeing his own father. He kept on calling: daddy, daddy, and his son would go to him in an attempt to comfort his agonies, his uneasiness. What was he thinking then? We never knew. 
My grandfather had a long life, I´m not sure if it was a happy one. He had a harsh childhood, an agitated adulthood due to his personal political beliefs and actions,  and lived longer to see the collapse of some of his cherished ideas. 
I miss my grandfather dearly. He was not the tender and caring type of person, but he was the only grandfather I met. He was extremely inteligent and had a strange sense of humor, and when I was born, he wrote me a poem. What else could I ask for?
Eighteen  years have passed since the death of my grandfather, and I still remember his birthday. I can clearly hear his voice, and I can picture him right in front of his old house walking his dog. And, when I look at my father as he is today, I see a litttle (or a lot, depending on the day) of my grandfather. And it makes me feel better to think that part of him is still around.

        

9/20/14

A perfect day

This is the closest I get to an idyllic saturday:

- a cup of coffee (or maybe two);
- a good book (I´ve gotten this fantastic comic book called Daytripper, written and ilustrated by two twin brothers: Fábio Moon & Gabriel Bá);
- peace and quiet;
- reading by the window, the sunlight occasionally iluminating the pages;
- the company of a cat;
- drinking a glass of red wine (or maybe two), just enough to feel lighter;
- eyelids closed for a while, still enjoying the peace and quiet;
- finishing the book and have this feeling of being blown away by a great history;
- getting to write a little bit;
- taking a walk and coming back;
- shower, salad, orange juice.
- Bed.